Well, lads and lasses, grab a cuppa and prepare yourself for a nostalgic ride through the questionable universe of vintage Star Wars action figures. For every Han Solo, Darth Vader, or Boba Fett, there are figures that leave us shaking our heads and asking, “What were they thinking?” So, buckle up and ready your light sabres as we reveal the worst 5 vintage Star Wars figures of all time, ranked in reverse order of sheer awfulness!
5. Lobot
Kicking off our list, we’ve got the unforgettable… oh wait, who is he again? Oh, right! It’s Lobot. Let’s start with the positives… he did come with a blaster. Other than that he was an uninspiring bald guy, wearing a beige blouse and grey jumpsuit.
Remember that Christmas when your well-meaning but slightly out-of-touch aunt bought you a Star Wars figure? You excitedly unwrapped the packaging… is it Luke? Is it R2? Is is Boba Fett!? Nope. It’s… Lobot. The Star Wars accountant.
4. General Madine
Stepping in at number four, we have the chap with the best comb-over in the galaxy… it’s the man, the myth, the legend… Noel Edmunds! Oops. I mean… General Madine!
Not only was this chap a very minor character in the films, he also looked like a geography teacher and came with one of the worst accessories in the whole toy line… a stick! I mean, as a kid, what can you do with this guy in an epic battle between good and evil? Nothing! He’d just stand there waving his stick around. How on earth did Kenner think any kid would want this figure!? Unless of course, they wanted to play a game of Star Wars Deal or No Deal. No deal, Madine, no deal.
3. FX-7 (Medical Droid)
Coming in at number three, we have… the glorified post-box, otherwise known as FX-7.. Sure, it’s a droid and droids are cool, right? But, sadly, FX-7 isn’t exactly the life and soul of any Star Wars play session. Old FX-7 really pushed the boundaries of what can be called an “action” figure. After all, his main action is… just kinda standing there. With no guns or accessories. Sure, you can move his head up and down. You can pull out the 9 arms. Then you can push them all back in again. Until they eventually snap off. But that’s about it. Riveting, isn’t it?
2. Anakin Skywalker
Hold onto your helmets for number two on the list, because it’s the elder statesman of the Star Wars universe, Grandpa Anakin! Our first “last 17” figure in the list. Pasty, unarmed, and sporting a creepy smile and questionable choice of loungewear, this figure doesn’t exactly scream “Jedi Knight.” With a ridiculous moulded gown and useless hands that can’t hold any kind of weapon, you’ve got to wonder, how did they get so many figures so right and then churn out this gem? We can hear the echoes of Christmas Day disappointment. The Force was weak with this one.
1. Imperial Dignitary
Drumroll, please, for the piece de resistance, the figure so bad it’s good, it’s… the mighty Imperial Dignitary! Yes, we have another “last 17” and another creepy looking old bloke. The Imperial Dignitary, doesn’t just inherit all of Anakin’s worst traits. No, no, he adds to them. Old dude. Check! Moulded gown. Check! Zero accessories. Check! Now add in the fact that he barely features in the films and make it so his nose disappears at the slightest of touches (this figure always has nose rubs) And the ultimate kicker? He’s now one of the more pricey figures to buy! Anyone looking to complete their full run of figures not only has to buy this thing, but they have to pay through the (probably rubbed) nose for the privilege! Unbelievable.
Honourable Mentions
Before we wrap this up, we have to give a shoutout to a couple of honourable mentions.
Firstly, the Trash Monster. Although not released on a card back, it is kind of a figure and a well-named one at that. Because, well, it looks like something out of a happy meal.
And the Ewoks. Yes, ALL of the Ewoks. Those angry space teddies always felt too close to the Sylvanian Families for my liking.
And that’s it, folks! Our top five, er, “least favourite” vintage Star Wars figures. We hope this list brought a bit of a chuckle. Remember, whether you’re team General Madine or team Imperial Dignitary, we’re all united by our love for the Star Wars universe. Even if some parts of that universe come in the form of a pasty old man in a dressing gown.
However, if you’ve found any of these “gems” lurking in your attic and want to give them a new home (where they might actually be appreciated), feel free to visit our Vintage Star Wars page. Who knows? That loathed Imperial Dignitary could turn out to be your ticket to a golden bounty!